Last Christmas (11-14s)

SCENE 1

 

We open on a dishevelled FLIGHT PLAN setting up a video log as the evacuation ship they are on takes off.

 

FLIGHT PLAN           Video log. The date is October 1^st, 2063. This hour, our crew and passengers have just boarded Abandoner Ship 4 taking off from the Pentland Hills. We held out as long as we could, but all our efforts were no good…Earth fell.

Australia was on fire, both the Poles melted which meant Japan sunk and America…well the less said about America the better. Last week the Nile started boiling, the last few inhabited countries in Africa were evacuated and Scotland was a comfortable 25 Degrees Celsius.

All 10 ships are on a mission to find a new home for the human race. However, my flight plan unfortunately has us heading aimlessly through the stars and, through all this uncertainty, I only hope we can find the strength to carry on.

SCENE 2

“Jingle Bell Rock” starts to play. Our crew is cheerfully going about their daily jobs on the Flight Deck, they resemble the space version of a Virgin Atlantic crew. CAPTAIN enters removing his pilots’ hat and aviator sunglasses. A large, framed painting of a gorgeous Border Collie hangs in the flight deck with a plaque underneath that reads “Sir Richard Branson”.

 

CAPTAIN                   Merry Christmas Eve team.

The crew wish a Merry Christmas Eve to each other.

 

CAPTAIN                   Let’s set our phasers…to fun and start with our morning announcements.

VOICE OVER presses the button to her microphone, triggering the noise of a tannoy and projecting her voice across the entire ship.

 

VOICE OVER            Good morning passengers. Welcome to Day 85 aboard Star Fleet Abandoner. Today’s activities include a virtual Christmas tree decorating competition, an ‘Elf-on-the-hoverboard’ scavenger hunt and hologram Taylor Swift will be on the Lido Deck dressed as Santa Claus to hand out early Christmas presents.

PILOT 1 & PILOT 2  Ugh I love hologram Taylor Swift.

                                    (beat, looking at each-other in amazement)

                                    TWINZIES!

COMM.                      I’m entered into the Tree Decorating competition at 4.

DATA                          Man, I love Christmas.

VOICE OVER            And if you haven’t already, get booked in for your Christmas dinner tomorrow, TODAY.  Our onboard chefs will be serving an almost traditional menu consisting of turkey-flavoured gelatine substitute without all the trimmings, powdered vegetable puree and duck fat roast potato pudding. For our Gold Plan passengers, you can expect a gorgeous rabbit dinner as opposed to meat substitutes.

DATA                          That rabbit population is multiplying…well, like rabbits.

VOICE OVER            From everyone here on Star Fleet Abandoner, we hope you have a pleasant day and thank you for picking us as your extinction survival plan.

                                    (VOICEOVER stops broadcasting)

 

CAPTAIN                   What an exciting day we have planned! Now, the pledge of allegiance.

EVERYONE stands, places one hand on their chest and faces the painting of the border collie and begins to speak in unison.

 

EVERYONE               We pledge allegiance, to Sir Richard Branson, who boldly chose to go, where no billionaire whose consciousness was placed in the body of a robot border collie had chosen to go before. In his name, we serve to protect the existing human race, minus the old people who got us into this situation in the first place. In the name of Star Fleet Abandoner, we salute you.

EVERYONE salutes the painting before turning back to work as though this was completely normal.

CAPTAIN                   Quick progress report?

PILOT 1                     We continue to follow the flight plan Captain.

PILOT 2                     We’re currently cruising at an altitude of-

DATA                          Cruising altitudes are for airplanes, not spaceships.

PILOT 2                     How am I meant to know that? I’m 11.

 

CAPTAIN                   You’re doing your best and that’s all I can ask for. Conditions on Earth?

DATA                          Like being trapped in a polly-bag and being left in front of a bay      window at high noon.

CAPTAIN                   Ooft, doesn’t sound great, and conditions onboard?

DATA                          Oh, can’t beat ‘em Captain.

CAPTAIN                   Good stuff. Flight Plan?

FLIGHT PLAN           Well…em…yesterday I thought I’d figured out where we were.

DATA                          Really?

FLIGHT PLAN           But I lost it again.

EVERYONE               URGH, FLIGHT PLAN!

CAPTAIN                   Useless as ever. Communications?

COMM.                      Eh I’m actually struggling to get through to anyone Captain. All channels appear to be down.

CAPTAIN                   Try again.

COMM. starts pressing buttons and the whole flight deck goes dark before an emergency light comes on.

 

CAPTAIN                   Ok, what did you press?

COMM.                      That wasn’t me!

DATA                          Computer’s showing we’ve lost power.

CAPTAIN                   How is that possible?

PILOT 1                     I’ve lost all control over here, Pilot 2.

PILOT 2                     We’re just floating, Captain.

DATA                          Our computers are down to basic functions.

CAPTAIN                   What does that leave us with?

DATA                          Music streaming, The Sims 4 and something called “Solitaire for PC”.

VOICEOVER             That’s practically pre-historic.

CAPTAIN                   Ok, everyone remain calm.

                                    (beat)

                                    Oh my Branson, what should we do?!

FLIGHT PLAN           Don’t know.

DATA                          Beats me.

PILOT 1                     (to PILOT 2) Shouldn’t the Captain know what to do?!

CAPTAIN                   Hey, this is just a uniform…and a great head of hair.

            A video call begins to ring and COMM. answers.

 

BILLY                         Hi all, Billy here from Emergency Services.

COMM.                      We know who you are, Billy.

BILLY                         Good stuff. Just a quick call as it looks like we’ve hit some technical difficulties.

CAPTAIN                   Yes, we’re working on it-

BILLY                         That’s great. Now should anything take a turn and you need anything from me such as bandages, a fire extinguisher or flare guns-

VOICEOVER             Flare guns?

BILLY                         I’ll be doing the rounds to check up on passengers and crew alike.

CAPTAIN                   Ok, that sounds well-

BILLY                         Just let me know if you need anything.

CAPTAIN                   Right, thanks Billy.

            CAPTAIN ends the call.

 

PILOT 1                     Such a weird guy.

PILOT 2                     I was just about to say that.

CAPTAIN                   Focus in people; we need a plan!

DATA                          What about the robot?

CAPTAIN                   What about the robot?

DATA                          Why don’t we ask it what to do? I mean, it’s more qualified than the rest of us-

CAPTAIN                   (covering DATA’s mouth with there hand) SHHHH! If any of the passengers hear you talking like that, this mission is over, OK?! Do you want to lose your Gold Plan privileges?!

            The crew gasps.

 

VOICEOVER             I can’t go back to gelatine food substitutes-

COMM.                      And our cabin tv’s only showing re-runs of ‘Cash in the Attic’.

            The crew all shudder.

 

CAPTAIN                   No-one deserves limited streaming platforms, OK?! As far as the guests are concerned, we’ve got this thing under control. Flight Plan, go get Robot and the two of you head down to the control room to see if they know what’s going on.

PILOT 1                     (to PILOT 2) No way, the control room!

FLIGHT PLAN           Why do I have to take the robot?!

PILOT 2                     I know Pilot 1; I hate visiting the creeps in the basement.

CAPTAIN                   I’m taking the crew down to the Lido Deck. We’re the face of this mission and people are going to need our reassurance and expertise right now.

FLIGHT PLAN           I’m part of the crew!

            EVERYONE looks around at each other for a beat.

 

FLIGHT PLAN           I AM!

CAPTAIN                   Look…

DATA                          No one’s saying you’re not-

COMM.                      You’re just going on a special mission.

FLIGHT PLAN           Special mission my ass.

CAPTAIN                   WOAH, there’s no need for the attitude.

PILOT 1                     Yeah, what’s with the attitude?

PILOT 2                     So hostile.

FLIGHT PLAN           But I can help.

CAPTAIN                   (putting their arm around FLIGHT PLAN and guiding them away) I hear what you’re saying, I really do. But someone’s got to go down there, and the thing is…NOT IT.

PILOT 1 & PILOT 2  NOT IT.

COMM./

DATA/VOICEOVER  NOT IT.

FLIGHT PLAN           URGH!

FLIGHT PLAN turns to exit and almost opens a poorly marked “EMERGENCY EXIT” door that is right next to the exit.

 

EVERYONE               NOT THAT DOOR.

FLIGHT PLAN           I KNEW THAT.

            FLIGHT PLAN exits.

CAPTAIN                   Ooft, close call. Could have all ended up sucked out into space there. And then how would we complete this mission?

CAPTAIN goes to exit and almost does the exact same thing as FLIGHT PLAN.

 

EVERYONE               NOT THAT DOOR.

CAPTAIN                   Oops.

                                    (beat)             

                                    Ok people, uniform check before we head out.