Dungeons & Flagons (8-10s)

SCENE 1

Except for Scribe and the Wizard, all of the characters are on stage. They are frozen except for Quilliam. He taps his foot, looks at his watch, admires his quill. 

QUILLIAM    We’ve got to start the story. Where has he got to? (shouts) Scribe? Are you coming or not?

SCRIBE         (running on) I’m here, I’m here! (noticing the audience) Oh hello everyone!

QUILLIAM    Scribe!

SCRIBE         Yes Sir Quilliam?

QUILLIAM    You’re not ready for audience participation yet.

SCRIBE         (cupping his hands so he can only see Quilliam) Sorry.

QUILLIAM    Now that you’re finally here we can go through the characters you’ll be using in this story. Midwinter tales are set in castles so you’ll be provided with a King.

(as Quilliam moves along the line of characters they burst to life for a moment)

KING               I’m the King! Look at my gold shiny crown… (realises he’s not wearing one) where’s my crown?

QUILLIAM    Of course kings need servants, so there’s a servant called Jives.

JIVES              (holding the crown) I was just polishing it for you, your majesty!

QUILLIAM    The King has three children – Cornelia, Georgianna, and Reginald.

CORNELIA   Leave me alone, I’m reading!

GEORGIE     But it’s such a nice day, we could go outside and play.

REGGIE        Is it time for lunch yet?

SCRIBE         This one I like.

QUILLIAM    It doesn’t matter who you like Scribe. Your job as the storyteller is to get all these characters to the Midwinter feast. When they’re all celebrating you know you’ve reached the happy ending.

SCRIBE         Yes Sir Quilliam, I know.

QUILLIAM    Now, next we have the guards. Gerald’s in charge but there are some new recruits.

GERALD       Attention!

(Flippers is standing the wrong way, Buttercup and Puddles get the salute wrong.)

GUARDS       Attention!

SCRIBE         Good thing the King isn’t in any real danger.

QUILLIAM    Of course we must have people who don’t live in the palace. These are your townsfolk.

MARY            What are you going to wear to the feast?

ALICIA          My sister’s giving me her blue dress!

GEORGE      I might put on a clean pair of socks.

QUILLIAM    And of course, you know who the next six are.

SCRIBE         The bells on their hats are a bit of a giveaway.

QUILLIAM    Don’t be cheeky Scribe. You remember your lessons about Midwinter stories?

SCRIBE         (as if reciting from a book) The classic Midwinter story must have jesters making everyone laugh and keeping them entertained at the feast.

QUILLIAM    Exactly. Without them the story ends with a lot of loud chewing and burping. Now you’re still new at this so I don’t want you to be alarmed at the fact that there are six jesters.

SCRIBE         That’s a lot to keep track of… but I’m ready!

QUILLIAM    We’ll go through them now.

JENNY          I’m Jenny.

JOHNNY       I’m Johnny.

JC                   Call me JC.

JOE                My name’s Joe.

JELLY             I’m Jelly.

JAM               And I’m Jam!

QUILLIAM    And those are your characters. Well, almost all of them. According to my list we should also have a wizard as part of this line up. But wizards are known for their lateness. I find lateness very rude indeed.

SCRIBE         Well never mind the wizard Sir Quilliam, I’m ready to tell the story! This one is going to earn me the storyteller’s quill, you wait and see.

QUILLIAM    I know you’re keen Scribe but you are still an apprentice. In fact, maybe it would be best if we left these characters and went back over the basics of fairy tales –

SCRIBE         (interrupting) No! Um, I mean, thanks Sir Quilliam but I really, really, think I got the hang of fairy tales. I did tell you 406 of them after all.

QUILLIAM    Just remember – a Midwinter story is about the characters being happy and having a lovely time, all finishing up with the jesters and the feast. Got that?

SCRIBE         Got it. So if you just give me (he reaches for Quilliam’s quill).

QUILLIAM    Oh I don’t think so Scribe. You’re not ready for a quill just yet. You can tell me the story and if I think it suitable then I shall write it down. Hand me the book.

SCRIBE         The book?

QUILLIAM    You did bring a blank storybook didn’t you?

SCRIBE         Of course I did!

QUILLIAM    Hand it over.

SCRIBE         I may have forgotten where I put it.

QUILLIAM    Late and forgetful! You shall never earn that quill at this rate. I will fetch a blank book and we shall write this story down together. Wait here and don’t move any of the characters around whilst I’m gone.

(Quilliam exits. Scribe whistles, paces, looks around. The Wizard enters and steps into line with the rest of the characters.)

SCRIBE         Hello Mr Wizard! (the wizard stands still in the line of statues) Suit yourself. Hang on – that’s everyone! I have the wizard and the story can begin! (calls) Quilliam? Sir Quilliam? Never mind, I’ll start on my own. Let’s start with the King – he has a long red cloak! (he waits, nothing happens) He’s dressed completely in gold! (still nothing) The King transforms into a big golden elephant! (again, nothing happens) Urgh, this is hopeless! I can’t make any story happen until Quilliam gives me a quill of my own. But he’s never going to do that until he believes I can tell a story…

(Scribe crosses his arms and goes into a huff. But then he spots the wizard and has an idea. He rummages inside the wizard’s pocket and pulls out the wand.)

Aha!

(As he holds the wand up, all of the characters shiver. Quilliam re-enters and Scribe hides the wand behind his back)

QUILLIAM    Right, found a nice new storybook Scribe. You hold it open for me so that I can write down our title: “The Six Jesters”.

(Scribe puts out one hand to try and take the book from Quilliam. When he realises he is going to need both hands the wand drops to the floor and some magic bursts out of it. The characters come to life.)

QUILLIAM    What was that?

SCRIBE         Hey where are they going?! Sir Quilliam the characters are all moving!

QUILLIAM    I don’t understand! The story’s beginning… but we haven’t written anything down! The pages are still blank!

(The characters are suddenly busy preparing in their usual way for the Midwinter celebrations – the royal children are trying on new clothes, the guards are practising their guarding, Jives is looking after the King, the townspeople are discussing what they’ll eat at the feast, and the jesters are stretching or practising their funny faces.  The wizard, noticing that his wand has disappeared, starts to look for it.)

WIZARD        Hey! Has anyone seen my wand? I need it!

(The town-children go past him with baskets.)

MARY            Sorry Mr Wizard, can’t stop to chat.

ALICIA           We’ve got to get these supplies up to the castle.

GEORGE       Shame you don’t have a wand to make them fly up there for us!
(they exit)

WIZARD        Jesters stop what you’re doing! Have any of you seen my wand?

JENNY          We don’t have time for this!

JOHNNY       Can’t help you sorry!

JC                   Come on jesters, follow me! (jesters exit)

WIZARD        Hey you – halt! (the guards stand in formation)

GERALD       Yes sir?

WIZARD        I need help searching for my wand, it’s gone!

GERALD       Sorry sir, we’ve got patrols to do. Got to walk round and round the castle to keep it safe! (guards exit)

WIZARD        Oi – you.

JIVES             Me?

WIZARD        Yes, you.

KING             Don’t talk to my servant like that.

WIZARD        But it’s my wand – it’s gone.

KING              How foolish of you to lose it. What good is a wizard without his wand?

WIZARD        It’s got to be around here somewhere…

KING              All I can say is, if you don’t find it, don’t even bother coming to the feast tomorrow. (King and Jives exit)

WIZARD        No good without my wand? A wizard can still do some magic, I’ll show you.

CORNELIA  Are you going to do some magic?

GEORGIE     Will you turn Reggie into stone?

REGGIE         Hey!

CORNELIA  Wizard’s aren’t powerful enough for that kind of magic.

REGGIE        It would be good if we had a genie instead.

GEORGIE     Woah, imagine a Midwinter feast with a genie’s magic!

WIZARD       No one appreciates my magic and no one cares that my wand has gone missing! We’ll see how your precious feast goes without any of my magic. I may have misplaced my wand but I still have… very deep pockets! (the wizard takes a potion bottle out of his pocket) This ought to do the trick – topsius turvius! I curse the prince and princesses of this kingdom!

CORNELIA  What is that? What’s happening?

GEORGIE     The wizard’s spell splashed all over me!

REGGIE        Tastes a bit like cinnamon.

CORNELIA  Don’t eat that Reggie!

GEORGIE     It’s in my eyes!

WIZARD        That ought to teach the King and the rest of you a lesson about being rude to wizards!