A Christmas Michael (11-14s)

SCENE 1

Empty, dark stage. TECHIE 1, in all black, jumps out of their seat from the front row and holds a large torch in each hand, pointing them towards the centre of the stage to look like a spotlight.

NARRATOR:    (Poking head round the side of the curtain) What’s that?

TECHIE 1:         Your spotlight.

NARRATOR:    That’s the spotlight?! I thought I was getting an actual spotlight. Like a stage spotlight.

TECHIE 1:         What do you think the budget is here?

NARRATOR:    I was assuming better than that.

TECHIE 1:         This isn’t panto at the King’s, ok. This is Burgh high school drama department.

A.D:                    Guys, please. We really don’t have time for this today.

NARRATOR:    You want me to stand in that?

TECHIE 1:         That was the idea.

NARRATOR:    I’ve seen eclipses brighter than that.

TECHIE 1:         Forget it then! You can come out to full florescent lighting.

NARRATOR:    No no, I couldn’t possibly. That lighting does nothing for my complexion.

TECHIE 1:         Jesus.

TECHIE 2:     (Popping up from the front row) Can someone bring in the baby please?!

MARY:      (From off-stage) I’M NOT BRINGING THIS BABY OUT THERE.

TECHIE 1:         No that’s not what I-

NARRATOR:    So, who do I need to talk to about getting better lighting then?

TECHIE 2:         HOLD THE BABY. THATS A NO GO ON THE BABY JESUS. THANK YOU.

TECHIE 1:         That would still be me, and it would still be a NO.

NARRATOR:    I don’t much like your tone, Kyle.

TECHIE 1:         My names not Ky-

A.D:                    We really need to be moving on now. This is meant to be a full dress rehearsal today-

TECHIE 2:         -no stopping.

A.D                     Right…no stopping. So could we possibly-

NARRATOR     Sorry, what’s happening here?

A.D                     What do you mean?

NARRATOR     Why am I being expected to take orders from you today?

A.D                     I’m your assistant director-

NARRATOR     There you go, it’s in the title…”Assistant”. Where is Mrs Patterson?

A.D                     She’s off today.

NARRATOR     OFF!

TECHIE 1          Yup.

NARRATOR     AT THE DRESS REHEARSAL!

TECHIE 1          Yup.

A.D                     Look I know it’s not ideal-

NARRATOR     WHY?!

TECHIE 2          Something to do with “overwhelming stress in the workplace”.

NARRATOR     WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

A cast member in a comically large turkey costume (TURKEY) comes on from the wings holding their script in the air.

TURKEY            I’ve got a few questions about the manger scene-

TECHIE 1          I have a feeling THAT could have something to do with it.

A.D                     We’ve really gone off track here. We’re nowhere near the manger scene yet. Can I get you waiting in the wings for me please?

TURKEY            (Touches a finger to their nose while pointing at the A.D)
OH! I see what you did there.

A.D                     What?

TURKEY            Giant bird…WINGS.

NARRATOR     There wasn’t a joke in that statement.

TURKEY            Yeah, but birds have wings. There’s a joke in there somewhere, right? Let me think about it…if birds-

NARRATOR     I can’t work like this!

TURKEY            Wings are like-NO WAIT! Why did the bird cross the stage?

A.D                     Can we please just try this from the beginning?!

TURKEY            (While exiting) Ok I’ll go work on it.

NARRATOR     Please don’t.

Turkey exits.

SCENE 2

NARRATOR     Can we PLEASE just get this rehearsal started already?

A.D                     Yes, I’d like tha-

NARRATOR     Years and years ago, like a really long time ago…. I mean the earth was apparently between 4 and 6 years old-

A.D                     That’s not really the words-

NARRATOR     There was this couple called Mary and Joseph.
(pause)

…there was this couple called Mary and Joseph.
(Long pause)

                            THERE WAS THIS COUPLE CALLED MARY AND JOSE-

JOSEPH comes running on stage.

JOSEPH:           Sorry, Marys just coming.

From behind the stage curtain comes the DONKEY, on all-fours with MARY perched on their back. DONKEY is visibly struggling to carry MARY across the stage. They try “ee-aw”ing but can barely get a sound out before collapsing.

TECHIE 2:         DONKEY DOWN. I REPEAT, DONKEY DOWN. Can we get the nurse in here please?!

DONKEY:          No, no I’m fine.

NARRATOR:    You don’t look fine.

DONKEY:          I’m still getting used to this four-legged thing, you know.

MARY:               I don’t need to be on the donkey’s back, I could just walk next to him.

NARRATOR:    You can’t walk next to him.

MARY:               Why not?

NARRATOR:    Cause you’re 9 months pregnant.

MARY:               That doesn’t mean I’m incapable of walking.

JOSEPH:           I don’t know if you could walk all the way to Benidorm.

NARRATOR:    Bethlehem.

JOSEPH:           Right.

DONKEY:          Maybe I could give her a piggy-back instead.

NARRATOR:    You can’t give her a piggy-back, you’re a donkey not a monkey.

JOSEPH:           Could we change it to a monkey?

MARY/NARRATOR/A.D: No.

NARRATOR:    Why don’t we just cut the donkey part all together?

DONKEY:          What?!

NARRATOR:    I mean it’s hardly a crucial part of the Nativity story.

A.D:                    That’s not your call to make.

DONKEY:          I mean the donkey has some significance. There’s that whole “Little Donkey” song about them.

NARRATOR:    It’s barely your call to make either.

DONKEY:          Speaking of the “Little Donkey” song, I actually had an idea about incorporating it in somewhere-

NARRATOR:    They could just play Shepard 3 instead. Same number of lines.

DONKEY:          But I want to play the donkey.

NARRATOR:    But the donkey’s pointless, for Christ’s sake.

TECHIE 2:         CHRIST. I need the baby out here please!

MARY:               No, you don’t! NO, THEY DON’T! The baby isn’t even in this scene.

TECHIE 2:         FALSE ALARM.

DONKEY:          Look I promise I’ll manage to walk across this stage with Mary on my back on the night.

TURKEY enters.

TURKEY:          Eh, can we get a bit of help out here? The wise men are arguing about who gets to wear which tea-towel on their head.

NARRATOR, A.D AND TECHIE 1 turn to exit.

NARRATOR:    I can’t work with these amateurs!

TECHIE 2:         This is almost as bad as last year’s Sound of Music.

EVERYONE freezes and turns to look at TECHIE 2.

A.D:                    (In a hushed tone) We don’t talk about last year’s Sound of Music!

NARRATOR, A.D, TECHIE 1 AND 2 exit in awkward silence.

JOSEPH:           Mate, don’t worry about it.

DONKEY:          I know I’ll be fine on the night. I’ll be fine. They can’t cut my part.

DONKEY exits.