Wish Upon Wish

FACE 1. “Bertha thought that was the end of Christmas. But the holiday still had one more surprise in store for her.”

FACE 2. “For at the very same time…”

FACE 3. “…on a different plane of existence…”

FACE 2. “…the Five Spirits of Christmas were gathering, as they did every year…”

FACE 1. “…for a very special occasion…”

            The Spirits of KINDNESS, CHEER, PEACE, GRATITUDE and SACRIFICE appear, invisible to others.

KINDNESS. Well, since someone has to do it, I’ll just do the kind thing and lead the session, shall I? Yes, yes I shall. Alright, Spirit of Cheer?

CHEER. Here! Present! And ready to partay!

KINDNESS. Cheer?

CHEER. Yes?!

KINDNESS. You’re on 9 right now and I need you at 4.

CHEER. (checking their watch) But it’s almost midnight.

KINDNESS. Just chill.

CHEER. Ok, ok.

KINDNESS. Did you bring much cheer to the world this Christmas?

CHEER. Yes! Oodles!

GRATITUDE. To all the world?

PEACE. That sounds… exhausting.

CHEER. To most of it. Kind of. Mostly between council bands F to H.

KINDNESS. Beautiful. Spirit of Peace? Peace?

PEACE. …yeah?

KINDNESS. Did you make an effort this Christmas?

PEACE. …nah.

KINDNESS. Yes, no surprises there.

PEACE. Oh, actually…

KINDNESS. Hmm, yes?

PEACE. …there was this beauuuutiful cloud…

KINDNESS. No, we don’t have time for that. So…

            Kindness and Gratitude exchange a deadly look.

KINDNESS. Gratitude.

GRATITUDE. Kindness.

KINDNESS. Did you bring much gratitude to the world this Christmas?

GRATITUDE. I did. Thank you for asking.

KINDNESS. I hope you also brought a better attitude than last year.

GRATITUDE. Much better than yours. You’re welcome.

CHEER. Please please please, let’s keep things cheerful and professional this year.

KINDNESS. I’m sure we will, right Gratitude?

GRATITUDE. Of course. It’s the kind thing to do.

KINDNESS. Beautiful! And then there’s me, Spirit of Kindness. Yes, I’m present. Did I fill the world with good will this Christmas? Yes, I did. Well done, pat pat. Moving on…

SACRIFICE. Spirit of Sacrifice also here and present.

KINDNESS. Moving on! It’s time for our Christmas Miracle.

CHEER. Oooh, yes! My favourite bit!

            Kindness claps their hands. Thunder and lightning. Divine light shines on Bertha.

KINDNESS. Behold… Bertha!

PEACE. …Bertha?

GRATITUDE. Her name is… Bertha?

PEACE. Ooof, poor kid.

KINDNESS. Be kind, everyone. Yes, that’s Bertha. Randomly selected and aggressively average.

CHEER. Yes! We’re going to sweep in…

KINDNESS. Cheer.

CHEER. …fill this child’s heart with joy…

KINDNESS. Cheer!

CHEER. …say “You got a Christmas Miracle, how freaking lucky you are!”

KINDNESS. CHEER!

CHEER. Sorry, I know, sorry.

KINDNESS. Do we have to go over this every year? I do the speech. You do the jazz hands. What do you do, Cheer?

CHEER. I do the jazz hands.

KINDNESS. Please, don’t tell me, show me. What do you do?

            Cheer does a pair of timid jazz hands.

KINDNESS. Beautiful. Now let’s get started. Bertha… Sweet Bertha, wake up…

PEACE. Who names their kid Bertha?

KINDNESS. A bit of peace and quiet, please, Peace.

PEACE. I’m just saying…

KINDNESS. Beeeeerthaaa…

BERTHA. Hmmm…

KINDNESS. Christmas isn’t over yet.

GRATITUDE. That sounds slightly threatening.

KINDNESS. Wake up, sweet Bertha. Come on. Come on! BERTHA OF LOCHEND, AWAKEN!

BERTHA. Argh! What’s happening?! It was my present, I swear!

KINDNESS. LISTEN, BERTHA! FOR WE ARE THE SPIRITS OF CHRISTMAS, COME FROM BEYOND THE FOLDS OF REALITY TO GIFT YOU WITH A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

CHEER. (whispering, waving their hands) Jazz hands.

Bertha stares at them, confused.

GRATITUDE. Come on kid, catch up.

BERTHA. Who… who are you?

KINDNESS. THE SPIRITS OF CHRISTMAS.

CHEER. Jazz hands.

BERTHA. The Spirits of Christmas?

KINDNESS. YES.

BERTHA. Like gin and kahlua?

KINDNESS. YES – no!

BERTHA. Amaretto?

KINDNESS. No.

BERTHA. Mum always has Baileys on Christmas Day. It must taste really nice cause it makes her all giggly and cuddly.

KINDNESS. No. No. NO, BERTHA, I SAID NO!

BERTHA. Argh!

KINDNESS. Sorry. We are not that kind of spirit. We are the Spirits of Christmas.

            Each time with a flourish:

KINDNESS. Cheer!

Cheer quickly joins the tableau.

KINDNESS. Peace!

Peace slowly joins in.

KINDNESS. Gratitude!

Gratitude reluctantly joins in.

KINDNESS. And Kindness!

They all strike a pose.

SACRIFICE. (from the corner) Don’t forget about Sacrifice.

BERTHA. The… Spirits of Christmas?

KINDNESS. That’s it, you’re such a clever child. We’re here to grant you a Christmas Miracle – a magical wish, which can be anything.

BERTHA. …wait, wait, wait… a wish?

KINDNESS. Yes, your very own, no strings attached, wish!

BERTHA. …which can be anything?!

KINDNESS. Anything you want. It could be… a puppy for every orphan.

CHEER. Or a smile for the sick and poorly.

GRATITUDE. This is such a waste of time.

KINDNESS. Gratitude, you’re not helping.

PEACE. Or, like, maybe a really good nap?

SACRIFICE. Or something useful like an end to greed and privilege.

KINDNESS. Anything you want! A Christmas Miracle chosen by you.

BERTHA. Anything I want…

KINDNESS. What will it be?

FACE 1. “Bertha searched deep into her heart…”

BERTHA. Anything I want…

FACE 2. “…looked deep within her soul…”

BERTHA. Anything I want?

FACE 3. “…and realised there was only one possible answer.”

The Spirits lean in, expectant.

BERTHA. I want… presents!

KINDNESS. What?

BERTHA. I want all the presents! I want presents for days! I want presents upon presents, presents inside presents, presents made of presents! I want my middle name to be presents! I want my diet to consist exclusively of presents! I want a whole parade of presents! I – want – presents!

The Spirits stand gobsmacked.

GRATITUDE. A Christmas parade of presents?

KINDNESS. Just for you?

BERTHA. I guess they (pointing to the other children) can play with them too if they want.

KINDNESS. I feel you’re not thinking big enough. Maybe you could ask for all of Scotland to feel that cosy feeling – you know the one – when you give the perfect present to a loved one? That would be cute.

BERTHA. Can you do that?

KINDNESS. Oh yes, we’re very magical.

BERTHA. Well, you can do that after you grant my wish. Now give me my presents!

KINDNESS. Erm…

            Kindness looks at the others for help.

KINDNESS. Ok then. A Christmas present parade coming right up. Spirits, let’s make a Christmas Miracle.

            All five Spirits clap their hands. Enter BEARER 1 with a gift-wrapped present.

BERTHA. Oh yes! What is it?

BEARER 1. A superhero Barbie!

            Enter BEARERS 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 with more presents.

BEARER 2. And the latest PlayStation!

BEARER 3. And a whole stash of Nerf guns!

BEARER 4. And a family of Furbies!

BEARER 5. And the most expensive Legos!

BEARER 6. And a Monopoly that is actually fun to play!

BERTHA. Oh yes yes yes yes!

The Bearers keep bringing more presents. The Spirits clap their hands. The other children wake up. The Spirits retreat.

OSCAR. Keep the noise down!

ELLA. Bertha, what’s going on?

BERTHA. Presents!

IZZY. What?!

ELLA. Where did they come from?

BERTHA. (pointing at the Spirits) Them!

            The Spirits wave.

BERTHA. Gin and Tonic and the other Spirits of Christmas. They gave me all these presents!

WILLIAM. Oscar, look.

OSCAR. Oh cool! It’s like Christmas at Grandad’s.

WILLIAM. Thank you Spirits!

BERTHA. This is the best Christmas ever!

            The children open some presents and play with the toys.

            The Spirits watch from a distance.

CHEER. Look at her. So happy.

GRATITUDE. Another year, another massive failure.

CHEER. One of them said thank you.

GRATITUDE. A parade of presents. For herself. You can’t get any more selfish.

KINDNESS. I tried.

GRATITUDE. And you failed. Like every year. Maybe you should’ve brought the right attitude.

CHEER. No, please, let’s be nice.

GRATITUDE. Thank you for wasting my time. I’m off to my magical holiday now.

PEACE. Oh, yeah, I’ve got a two-week nap booked. Bye guys.

KINDNESS. Wait, wait, wait! You two stay put.

GRATITUDE. Why?

KINDNESS. We can try again.

GRATITUDE. Yes. In a year.

KINDNESS. No. Tonight.

SACRIFICE. Kindness?

KINDNESS. We’ll rewind time. Start Christmas again.

SACRIFICE. That’s a bit drastic, don’t you think?

KINDNESS. Every year we’re trumped by selfish children…

SACRIFICE. You’d need to break the laws of the universe.

KINDNESS. …so let’s try and change this kid’s heart…

SACRIFICE. Which could end up tearing reality apart.

KINDNESS. …we’ll encourage Bertha to make a proper wish. A selfless wish.

SACRIFICE. Plus it’s not a very kind thing to do to a child –

KINDNESS. Oh shut your trap, will you! This, this is why no one listens to you. Spirit of Sacrifice, the greatest party pooper of the holiday!

SACRIFICE. …well. Erm. It’s still not very nice.

KINDNESS. I’m just going to keep pretending you’re not here. Ok, Spirits, can we please try this? And then we can all go on our magical vacations.

CHEER. Ok!

GRATITUDE. Hmm, sure.

PEACE. Whatever.

SACRIFICE. No! I’m not lending my powers to mess up some poor kid.

KINDNESS. Thank you, Sacrifice. Always so helpful. Ok, everyone else, let’s get it right this time.

            All the Spirits except Sacrifice clap their hands. Thunder and lightning.

            The events of the day rewind. Exit all children bar Bertha.

            When it’s over, the Faces’ tummies rumble.

FACE 3. Was that the bean burrito from earlier?

FACE 2. Or someone pulling at the fabric of reality?

            They look at each other.

FACES. Nah.

FACE 1. It was probably the burrito.